Amazing

It's weird sometimes how you can look down at your own hands and they almost don't even seem like your own. Like they are someone elses hands, different in a way that you weren't expecting.
I guess it is the same about anything. Frequently I look at my life and I am in awe of where I am. It is not that I am unhappy about everything it just wasn't what I had hoped and thought it would be. Though I believe in things happening for reason and I guess if other things wouldn't have happened I wouldn't be in my house, with my husband, or with our little one on the way.
It is just not what you imagine sometimes and I wonder if I could change things. In the end though I am happy with Jon and the baby, we have a great little house with plenty of projects to keep us busy, and two of the greatest dogs ever. Mostly it is just me and my job that make me sad. I wonder if I could be a better person and how. I wonder if I am a good person.
Mostly this comes from frustration with my job. I wanted so much for myself and yet nothing seems to have come through. I know it was mostly from my DWI and my own fear but then my heart gets the best of me and I just doubt myself all around.
With the little one on the way I just wish I was more and I had more to offer. The economy is such junk I am scared to apply anywhere. Though I did apply at Jon's work but we will see what happens. It would be fantastic but I am not getting my hopes up. I guess we will just have to see.