Wednesday, February 11, 2009


It's weird sometimes how you can look down at your own hands and they almost don't even seem like your own. Like they are someone elses hands, different in a way that you weren't expecting.
I guess it is the same about anything. Frequently I look at my life and I am in awe of where I am. It is not that I am unhappy about everything it just wasn't what I had hoped and thought it would be. Though I believe in things happening for reason and I guess if other things wouldn't have happened I wouldn't be in my house, with my husband, or with our little one on the way.
It is just not what you imagine sometimes and I wonder if I could change things. In the end though I am happy with Jon and the baby, we have a great little house with plenty of projects to keep us busy, and two of the greatest dogs ever. Mostly it is just me and my job that make me sad. I wonder if I could be a better person and how. I wonder if I am a good person.
Mostly this comes from frustration with my job. I wanted so much for myself and yet nothing seems to have come through. I know it was mostly from my DWI and my own fear but then my heart gets the best of me and I just doubt myself all around.
With the little one on the way I just wish I was more and I had more to offer. The economy is such junk I am scared to apply anywhere. Though I did apply at Jon's work but we will see what happens. It would be fantastic but I am not getting my hopes up. I guess we will just have to see.