Tuesday, December 2, 2008


I wish I could say this outloud however everyone seems to have a big mouth. Jon and I have talked about children many times over the years. There is always someone who wants them and someone who doesn't. We have never been on the same page at the same time with kids. Recently we have decided that we have gotten too old to keep waiting, but I am still scared.
If I start to apply at cop jobs now it could take a year or so, then a year of probation, then a year or whatever off (you don't want to get preggers right off probation). So realistically if I want a career first I would have to wait until I was nearly thirty. Jon just turned thirty and we both feel we are not getting younger. We have been together for over seven years so what's the wait?
I guess I am affraid of becoming a frumpy soccer mom who let's herself go and whines about everything. I know that sounds horrible but most of the women in my family have gone from being moderately sized to huge and I don't want that. I know it sounds pretty vain but it took me years to get my body and my health under control and it is scary to think I could lose that. Again I know it sounds totally vain and selfish.
I would love to have children tomorrow. Mostly I am just scared because it is such a permanent thing...you can buy or sell a house, get married or divorced, but a once you are a parent you are always a parent. I think about kids lots, what their names would be, who they would look like, and I can't help but stop and look at baby clothes.
It's just all so scary

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